Should you become friends with your staff?
It’s a question that gets asked in my talks and workshops. Here’s my view:
In one of my teams, I had two staff members who I particularly liked, and got on really well with. Unlike some staff, I found them easy to manage: they were both hard working, smart, helpful, keen to learn and improve, and great for culture. In fact, I didn’t really manage them at all; they simply got on with their jobs and came to me whenever they needed advice, coaching or a sounding board to bounce ideas off. They were what I call, “Stars”. You don’t find many of them in your management journey. When you do, you’re one lucky manager.
Then things got tricky.
They each tried to add me as a “friend”, on social media apps, and asked if we could start catching up on weekends. Effectively the question was: Will you be my friend?
My answer? No.
I told them that for as long as they were in my team, our relationship would be Manager-Worker. Not said in a “lording it over you” kinda way, just being honest and upfront. Indeed, even for those who disagree with my view on this, I still recommend you adopt the following motto:
👉 MANAGER FIRST … FRIEND SECOND.
It’s another wonderful grey area in the world of leadership. For me, I simply prefer not to be friends with people I manage. Instead, I opt for being friend-LY. Which means I still care, help, support and (try to) show empathy when needed. But I don’t let it spill deep into the Friend-Zone. Boundaries are drawn: no 1-on-1 catch-ups on the weekends, and very limited weekday after-work dinners, events or outings. In a setting where the whole team is there? Sure. But not the 1-on-1 stuff you typically reserve for close friends. I also don’t connect on social apps.
Why? Because I want to focus on my job as manager, without distractions and complications. Adopting my “Friend-LY but not Friends” rule meant I never had to deal with:
👉 perception of favouritism
👉 feeling awkward when enforcing rules, standards and discipline
👉 challenges in giving feedback (especially re poor performance or behavioural issues)
👉 creating possible cliques in the team
👉 conflicts of interest
👉 potential biased decisions at performance reviews, esp. around salaries, bonuses & promotions
👉 confidentiality concerns
👉 and so on
There’s enough to juggle as a manager, without throwing all these extra balls in the air. For me, it’s not worth the hassle.
But hey, that’s my choice! You need to make YOUR choice. Just choose from a well-considered and informed position (most managers don’t even bother thinking about it – there’s the first mistake). And yes, it can work. Of course it can. When you leave my team and work elsewhere then hey, let the potential friendship begin.
Be my friend? Nope, sorry. But I will try to be the best manager you’ve ever had.
And that ain’t half bad.
